At my age now (69 years old) drugs are something to have done, not something to be doing. I don’t want to encourage someone to do drugs but also I don’t want to discourage them. Life ultimately is the memories of the experiences you have lived.

I learned a lot from doing drugs.

I have a lot of sympathy for people whose biochemistry is screwed up. I’ve experienced temporarily what they experience constantly. People who haven’t ever experienced mind alterations would call them crazy or frauds.
I learned to decide things for myself based on my own experience and to understand that society and religion have their own agendas.
I learned there are as many perspectives on reality and existence as there are individual people.
And I learned that you choose the reality you live in so you might as well choose one that you enjoy.

Homo Sapiens have been using drugs to alter their state of mind for as long as they have been sapiens. In order to live they have to eat. As they sampled the plants around them they learned that eating them had different effects; some were poisonous and shouldn’t be eaten, some tasted good, some made them sleepy, some refreshed, and among the myriad of effects there were some that affected the mind.

And such began a love hate relationship that has persisted right up to today. But it didn’t stop with God given plants. Humans learned how to make creations of their own and how to increase the effects of the mind altering plants. Long before they learned how to write people learned new ways to get high. Archeologists discovered canisters of mead (fermented honey) from 8000 BCE. Beer was first used about 6000 BCE. The Sumerians used opium in 5000 BCE. The Chinese used marijuana in 4000 BCE. Ancient Egypt had alcohol by 3500 BCE. American Indians smoked tobacco long before Columbus arrived. South American Indians have chewed Coca leaves for over 8000 years.
Drugs make people do crazy things. That’s not to say that those who don’t do drugs aren’t crazier. Look at Prohibition in the United States. Before it was repealed it created a generation that lost respect for the rule of law in the U.S. by continuing to drink when it was against the law. It created a criminal class of organized crime who defied the law and provided alcohol to those who could afford it. Money that would have gone to legitimate businesses went to illegal gangs who ruled by violence and intimidation. A lesson not learned brings us the present day War on Drugs. A war that has raged on for over half a century to no avail. Billions have been spent. Drug lords caught or killed only to be replaced by those even more bloodthirsty. Every drug dealer in the United States could have been bribed with a million dollars to leave the country and never come back and it would hardly put a dent in the war fund. The drug lords made so much money that they had the resources to compete with governments, purchasing technology and weapons, access to information and money to corrupt poorly paid government or military officials, access to satellites to track movements of the opposition, etc. The war on drugs became fronts for U.S. clandestine operations in countries that had ideologies different from the laissez faire capitalism espoused in Washington D.C. The war continues even today demonstrating the anti drug individuals are crazier than most if not all drug sympathizers or users.
I have read enough history to realize this is a unique time when all kind of drugs are available to the masses. Throughout history the substances that offered the peak experiences were available only to the elite, the rich, the chosen or the powerful while the masses drank beer or fermented potatoes.
Oh how the elite indulged themselves. There were no limits. I laughed reading about monks giving themselves alcohol enemas to get high while their parishioners were forbidden to imbibe and were told liquor was the elixir of the devil.

My drug experience

I started using drugs at a very young age. I was introduced to alcohol, nicotine and caffeine when I was in the womb. My parents drank a lot and smoked to excess for most of their lives and so I might consider myself of having smoked from pre birth to 18 years old when I left home and never looked back. My mother had no idea of the risks to the gestating offspring of alcohol or smoking.

At the age of 7 and through age 18 I was introduced to a regular diet of medical chemicals for surgery pre-op, anesthetics, post-op, pain reduction, and healing aids.(see shit happens). Too many drugs to list and I was too young to know what they were about.
I was 15 when I was introduced to marijuana. I was introduced to LSD at 16. Once in college my exploration and experiences expanded. At age 18 I tried mescaline, hashish, psilocybin, downers. At age 19 dexedrine, methedrine, MDA, peyote, opium, heroin, and others I can’t remember. At 20 I discovered cocaine.
I disliked depressants and downers, typically I would try them once and that was it. Heroin I tried twice, the second time because I told a friend I didn’t like it and he said I must have gotten shit so he gave me some of his good shit. I still didn’t like it. Good shit is still shit. It always amazed me that downers and heroin were so popular. I never could see the attraction. I know they call it a high but to me heroin is more like a low. I’m a stimulant aficionado. I am a human doing not a human being. Even marijuana which initially I found interesting and fun became less and less fun as I felt it just made me feel stupid (they call it dope). In the end I only liked it for taking warm baths while watching TV.
My experiences in hospitals and all the surgeries probably saved my life. I had so many shots that I wanted nothing to do with syringes. Friends went for the rush from injecting but there was no way I would touch a needle. If I had I’m certain I would be dead. The other benefit from the surgeries was my hatred of ether. That meant I avoided all inhalants, glue, paints etc. I never even did nitrous oxide when it became popular with friends.
Opium I did more than a couple of times then I lost interest.
Mescaline I really enjoyed. I used to take mescaline then go over to the Stanford shopping center and go into the grocery stores. Under the fluorescent lights the colors of the fruits and vegetable vibrated. The packaging shone brightly. I never tired of the visuals. One time I was playing Gomoku on mescaline. I was having a typical visual hallucinatory experience of glowing stones and shimmering board when in the middle of the game it became my turn, when I looked down at the board I watched the stones appear as if I was watching a game being played. A white stone appeared then a black, then a white, alternating, then four in a row, then blocked, then back to the original positions and stones appearing in a new pattern. I watched fascinated. When I didn’t move my friend touched me and I snapped out of it. I told him what happened. He shrugged. A drug experience doesn’t mean much unless it’s your drug experience.
I had a similar experience but I wasn’t on drugs and hadn’t done any in a while.. I watched a woman friend of mine age from 40 to 80 years old right in front of me. (see Leaving Shangri-La). Peyote was the same as mescaline but I had a harder time getting it. Psilocybin made plants and flowers glow and vibrate. I would talk to them. Trees are smarter than men.
LSD is in a psychoactive class all its own. It’s more than mescaline or psilocybin on steroids. It involves more of the mind at the same time. It isn’t just sensory hallucinations (visual auditory smell taste and feel), but feelings, emotions, memories, imagination. The experience is very involving even overwhelming at times. I count the first time I took LSD as one of the 5 most important life changing experience.
An amusing story that only means something if you know me or have met me. I had a friend, Debbie, in college, one of the most exceptional women I’ve known. One night we were having a casual conversation and she commented, “You look normally like how people look to me when I’m on acid.” I didn’t know what to say or think. Even after 50 years the comment still reverberates with me. It took me years to formulate a response. “Does that mean that I look normal to people on acid?”
Then there were the –ines, Dexedrine and methedrine. Stimulants they were. I like Dexedrine. I had a huge bottle of pills which soon went to students for studying eventually I ran out and couldn’t get anymore. I used Methedrine a number of times but I found better substitutes. Meth always made me feel brittle, my vision glassy. I moved on. It was always available but I wasn’t interested.
My most favorite stimulants were MDA and cocaine. MDA was my favorite drug for several years. It just made me feel good. It wasn’t a high or a rush, there weren’t hallucinations. I had no super powers. It just made me feel good, happy, content, optimistic. It seems hard to describe because it had no extremes, didn’t do anything except you just felt good. Extraordinary for such a simple effect of the drug. Just feeling good is underrated until you’ve felt this good.
I’m not big on highs. For a lot people that is why they do drugs. It’s a way to feel a rush. It’s a kind of entertainment. And that’s why they do things to amplify the high/the rush-by injecting the drug or through smoking the drug , or by taking a double dose of the drug, anything to boost the physical effect. Focusing on getting high is one dimensional, lacking imagination. It’s a cheap thrill, an orgasm without the or.
Some drugs don’t need assistance, don’t need a boost. They have more than enough of whatever it is they’ve got. I did DMT once. You smoke it. I was encouraged by a sadist to take a deep hit. I obliged. It was like being the nose cone of a rocket taking off. I had experienced rushes when taking drugs before but nothing like DMT. First of all the initial rush felt like 5 gs or like flying directly into a Category 6 hurricane. I tried to relax expecting the rush to lessen, but it didn’t. It just kept going. A rush junkie would be in heaven. As I was blasting along I had an LSD flash, informing me that it would never end. I tried to get a grip, I forced myself not to panic. I sat on the edge of panic waiting for the rush to end. I don’t know how long it was, it seemed like a long time but it was probably only seconds. Finally it ended. I crashed. ‘You asshole’ I yelled at my ex friend. Never again.
At 25 I finally started smoking cigarettes myself. I smoked for 15 years and I spent the last 5 trying to quit. Cigarettes are a very addictive delivery system for nicotine. I quit innumerable times only to find myself in a stressful situation and soon my will power evaporated. I tried hypnosis, tape recordings, tapering off, everything I heard about or could think of to have the strength to quit until it became obvious to me that will power would always eventually fail.
Will power? The will. Free will? Free will is not conscious will. Where does whatever you say and do come from? The words and actions come from unconscious processes. You don’t know the words you are about to speak before you speak them. You don’t consciously will them. So I don’t believe in will power but I do believe in won’t power. You can consciously choose to not do something. But won’t power has the same problem as will power. It gets tired and loses its power to won’t.
Then on a Christmas Eve at my house in Tahoe it occurred to me that there would be no problem not smoking if I just didn’t want to smoke. Simple. No energy being expended. Just not wanting to smoke a cigarette. I don’t know why it took me so long to think of it. Then I went to sleep. On Christmas morning I woke up and didn’t want a cigarette. No desire at all. No doubt, no hesitation, no wavering will, no resistance, no tension. I was happy. I was relieved. I knew what happened but I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to mess with whatever did happen so I just went along with the new development. Six months later I decided to see what was going on and learn how it worked. I was now confident I wouldn’t ever smoke again so I probed my mind for an answer. Ask and the mind will answer. What popped up was this: A series of images and feelings: a cigarette, lighting a match, smoke from a cigarette, inhale, exhale, the smell of a match burning, the smell of a cigarette burning. Then a chain reaction. Another series of images and feelings: a negative feeling of disgust followed by a picture of tar stained fingers, a physical feeling of depression as I inhaled, more negative feeling, frustration trying to quit, feeling of avoidance, danger, lung cancer, heart disease, death too soon. Then blackness. Nothing. Then a final few thoughts: Forget smoking, Do anything else. And that was it. I no longer wanted to smoke cigarettes.
The chain reaction was very straightforward: TRIGGERS to smoke: followed immediately by BARRAGE of negative reactions ending with feeling of finality-FORGET about smoking, do something else. I could see that my olchain reaction smoking process had all the same triggers: cigarette, lighting a match, smoke from a cigarette, inhale, exhale, the smell of a match burning, the smell of a cigarette burning, but instead of a barrage of negative reaction there were positive, reinforcing and encouraging thoughts: I can focus, relax, I have something to do with hands, I’m looking cool. Smoking was inevitable.
I had no idea how it had happened. What did I do? I tried to use the same chain reaction of triggers to negatives to deal with other habits I wanted to change but the conscious mind’s desire was ignored. Reprogramming your own mind is not something that can be done consciously. It’s some unconscious mechanism I wish I knew how to trigger.
Alcohol was a big part of my life for years. I experienced every form and strength. In college drinking alcohol from a 50 Gallon drum bought from a laboratory supply house. Drugs were easier to get than alcohol in college, but alcohol consumption was a necessary part of a college education. After college a more deliberate approach to alcohol was taken. Beers from all over the world were sampled. Likewise wines were tested for taste versus cost. I especially appreciated champagne. One of my favorites was Bollinger. I got into cocktails and mixed drinks. I had a gin and tonic phase, a brandy alexander phase where I would make them every evening for whoever was around. At restaurants there was the cocktail phase especially MaiTais and any drink with salt around the rim. After dinner would come Cognac VSOP. Such was the life.

To me drugs are not about highs or lows, pleasure or entertainment, enlightenment or truth. To my thinking all drugs allow the user to not be themselves. For a short period of time you get away (from yourself). The why and what of this means different things to different people. For some the drugs provide a different perspective on themselves. It’s thesis antithesis. In order to appreciate yourself you have to not be yourself. Drugs are a way to not be yourself. Drugs when thought of in this way satisfies in many different ways and have been since the species climbed down out of the trees and went off to search the world. One big reason for drug addiction in our society is that the culture does not fulfill basic human needs. A large number of citizens have boring or unsatisfying lives which leads to depression and alienation. The drugs allow people to get away from themselves and their depression and alienation. Needing a change becomes a compulsion to use drugs if this is the only outlet you have. The compulsion is an addiction not to the drug but to get away.
Addiction is not a compulsion to do but a compulsion to get away. A case in point is what happened when the Vietnam war ended. A large percentage of the soldiers there were addicted to heroin. Officials worried there would be a huge problem when these heroin addicted soldiers returned home to the US. But there was no problem. The US was better than being a soldier in Vietnam. Most quit without incident when welcomed home by family and friends. Where went the addiction? After many years home and the memory of Vietnam fading, I suspect that the reality of life in the US has led them to seek addictive solace in barbiturates, the current major drug problem nationwide.
I’ve never really understood why some drugs are legal and some are illegal. Why is it so? It’s not addiction. Alcohol and nicotine as well as barbiturates are legal yet among the most addictive chemicals known. Many of the illegal drugs are not addictive. It can’t be because illegal drugs make the user feel good. Most legal drugs result in the user feeling good or better (the pain is gone, I’m not depressed, etc) why else would we take these drugs if they didn’t improve our life. It can’t be that it’s because illegal drugs are physically damaging. The most damaging drugs are legal: alcohol and nicotine (in its delivery system cigarettes). Heroin is damaging in overdoses (the damage is death) because it is the easiest drug to overdose (overdose amount is close to normal dose). A lot of heroin’s physical toll comes from poor nutrition or stress from criminal activities performed in getting the next dose. As far as damage from legal drugs you only have to listen to the television commercial warnings of potential organ damage or suicide.
The other thing that gets me is that illegal drugs are easier to get than legal ones. What is going on here? The US is manifestly delusional. We spend more on drugs than we do on all healthy purposed activities such as gyms and spas and relaxing vacations combined. Plus we are being gouged by the inflated prices US citizens pay for drugs available for much less in all other countries.
One final rant. In the western world, especially the United States, the dominant ethos is capitalism married to the protestant ethic. The primary legal drugs available without constraint to all citizens are alcohol, nicotine and caffeine. Caffeine to get you going, nicotine cigarettes for focus and alcohol to come down after a hard day slaving for profit then to get some sleep and to repeat the pattern the next day and the next and the next. Truly the perfect legal drugs for a workaholic American citizen. All three drugs are addictive. Nicotine and alcohol are very difficult to quit using. Especially when you consider the alternative: returning to be your capitalist-protestant self. Not a good choice either way: wanting to not be yourself or escape through two drugs, alcohol and nicotine cigarettes, that are incredibly physically destructive to human beings. What a world we live in.

Would I do the same thing if I had my life to live over? If I was the same person I would do the same thing. I could do no other. I always tried to make the best choice I could at the time. I would make the same choice again, despite the fact that there might be better choices to make.
Which brings me to the second answer to the question of what I would do if I had my life to live over. I would say I wouldn’t do drugs, for the simple reason that I would have already done them in this life and there is nothing to be gained by repeating. There are many things I didn’t do instead that I would be curious about doing such as relationships and love for example.