• A quality is something that can’t be measured.
• A quality is not a thing.
• A sword can’t cut itself, nor a hand feel itself, a tongue taste itself, or an eye see itself, neither can you possess yourself.
• A truth is a truth whose opposite is a truth.
• All go or none go.
• Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
• Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
• Are you wearing lipstick? Well, mind if I taste it?
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
• Atheists can do whatever the hell they want.
• Attitude determines your altitude.
• Bad spellers of the world untie!
• Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
• Batteries not included.
• Be good – and if you can’t be good, be careful.
• Be good – if you can’t be good, have fun.
• Be naughty – save Santa the trip.
• Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
• Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
• Beer – the reason I wake up every afternoon.
• Being is becoming being
• Beliefs are not to be believed.
• Better late than really late.
• Between two evils always pick the one you haven’t tried.
• Biology grows on you.
• Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
• Carpenter’s rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
• Change is the only thing that remains the same.
• Change is not a thing.
• Chaos is coherent.
• Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.
• Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
• Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
• Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
• Clones are people two.
• Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.
• Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum. I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
• Complete understanding comes without complete understanding.
• Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
• Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
• Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.
• Creation is only that which is intelligent and necessary.
• Creative intercourse: union in beauty, united in purpose.
• Creativity is completely determined.
• Creativity is just a two step process: construct-refine, repeated persistently.
• Crime doesn’t pay… does that mean my job is a crime?
• Criminal Lawyer – a redundant phrase.
• Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
• Dawn is nature’s way of telling you to go to bed.
• Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
• Discard what is necessary, then forget the rest.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Doing whatever you feel like doing is slavery.
• Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
• Don’t be humble, you’re not that great.
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
• Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that.
• Don’t believe everything you think.
• Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
• Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.
• Don’t steal a police car unless you’re prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
• Don’t tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
• Don’t tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.
• Don’t trust reality. After all, it’s only a collective hunch.
• Drive defensively – buy a tank.
• Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can’t remember.
• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
• Earn cash in your spare time. Blackmail your friends.
• Earth first! (We’ll strip-mine the other planets later).
• Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
• Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
• Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
• Elevators smell different to midgets.
• Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
• Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
• Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
• Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.
• Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
• Every solution breeds new problems.
• Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
• Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
• Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
• Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
• Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.
• Everything makes sense but some things don’t make any sense.
• Examine what is said, not who speaks.
• Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
• Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
• F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
• Failure is not an option – it’s a lifestyle.
• Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
• Failure teaches success.
• Fighters for beauty fully armed with the weapons of love, body of truth, taste for life, the smell of intuition, charmed by the mystery, bring beauty to life.
• Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.
• Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
• First rule of acting: whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
• Freedom is doing something you don’t feel like doing.
• I am self imposed.
• God is self composed.
• I am.
• I think.
• I think therefore I am.
• I am therefore I think.
• I am therefore I’m not sure
• I’m not sure therefore I am.
• I’m not sure.
• I am not the same.
• In life, no choices are prohibited, however some choices are better than others.
• It is an achievement to see achievements for what they are.
• Life is a BLT sandwich: beauty, love and truth on rye.
• Life is a condition of continuous instability.
• Limits are self imposed.
• Love is the state of continuous instability.
• Man is the measure of all things.
• Necessity is the mother of obsession.
• None of these statements make sense.
• Obsession is preoccupation with denial.
• One hand clapping sounds the same as two hands clapping if you’re deaf.
• Reality exists in the gaps between moments in time.
• Responsibility imposed from without is slavery.
• Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
• Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.
Yes is the answer.
• Sex on tv can’t hurt unless you fall off.
• Simpler, easier, higher, player.
• Slaves are only slaves to their own fears.
• Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Smith & Wesson: the original point and click interface.
• Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
• Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
• Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• The best things in life aren’t things.
• The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
• The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
• The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
• The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• The end of time is right now.
• The essential nature is merely what’s left after removing the temporary, ephemeral, conditional, unimportant and ugly.
• The future is remembering the past.
• The future will be better tomorrow.
• The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
• The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out.
• The only certain thing in life is death.
• The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
• The only really decent thing to do behind a person’s back is to pat it.
• The only rule is there are no rules.
• The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
• The only thing you have to fear is yourself.
• The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
• The past is creating the future.
• The present is forgetting the future.
• The present is neither.
• The thinker is the thought.
• The ultimate goal is to have no goal.
• There are no parts only wholes.
• There are questions without answers, but there are no answers without
• There is no choice if the response is always the same.
• There is no relaxation in tension.
• There is nothing that is completely nothing.
• There is nothing to become except to be.
• There is still some tension in complete relaxation.
• To be happy is to be unaware that you are happy.
• To bee what you’ve been is not to be.
• To change is to not be what is.
• To know is to be able to in the biblical sense.
• To say: “I think” is to mean: I’m not sure.
• To try is not to do.
• To try is trying.
• Two wrongs don’t make a right, but three lefts do.
• Understanding is understanding that you understand nothing.
• Understanding is understanding that you will never understand everything.
• Unix is user friendly – it’s just picky about it’s friends.
• Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
• Veni, Vidi, Velcro – I came, I saw, I stuck around.
• Viewer discretion may be advised, but it’s never really expected.
• War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
• Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
• Wasting time is an important part of living.
• We are one, I am many, all is none.
• We don’t even possess ourselves, how can we possibly possess another.
• What is impossible for you is trivial for someone else.
• When in doubt empty the magazine.
• When in doubt, do what the President does. Guess.
• When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
• When it’s dark enough you can see the stars.
• When someone points skyward, it’s the fool that looks at the finger.
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. grenade is not our friend.
• When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?
• When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
• When you don’t know what you are doing, do it neatly.
• When you have nothing to say, say nothing.
• Where does the sky end and the cloud begin?
• Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
• Which of the following statements make sense?
• While having never invented a sin, I’m trying to perfect several.
• Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom?
• Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
• Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• Wise people think all they say; fools say all they think.
• With a rubber duck, you’re never alone.
• With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
• Without the right atmosphere life has difficulty breathing.
• Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.
• Work is the curse of the drinking class.
• Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.
• Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
• Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
• You are not alone except with yourself.
• You are self exposed.
• You are the answer to all your questions.
• You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
• You can observe a lot just by watching.
• You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
• You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• You don’t have to explain something you never said.
• You only lose what you never had.
• You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
• You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.